When your partner gets pregnant, you brace yourself for many, many changes. People will line up to tell you that your life will never be the same, that you won’t sleep for months after the baby is born, that it will completely change the dynamic of your relationship with your partner once the baby comes along. What you may not expect is that things might change in the bedroom long before that.
A friend’s wife got pregnant and he was complaining that she had cut him off in the bedroom by the second month. He was literally counting the days, minutes and seconds until she gave birth so he could get a shot at her in the bedroom. I listened to this for a couple of months before I finally broke to him what seemed obvious to me: it would be several weeks after the birth before his wife would be healed and able to have sex (if she had the energy).
This not to say that most women are going to be reluctant to have sex during their pregnancy. In many cases, it is quite the opposite. The hormones coursing through a woman’s system during pregnancy often give her periodic libido boosts, and many doctors encourage sex on the final weeks to trigger the birth. On the other hand, the hormones might also make her more sensitive and emotional.
The biggest obstacle to sex during pregnancy is how a woman’s body changes and how comfortable she is with the changes. When she gets pregnant, a woman’s body grows so rapidly, many feel as though they are walking around in someone else’s body. They get curves where there were none before because the body stores fat in reserves to make sure both mother and baby have enough fuel to grow.
In order to make your partner feel as though you still find her sexy, and don’t just regard her as some chubby old Mom, you are going to need to crank up the compliments, romance and sensuality in your approach.
Shower Her With Praise
The first key to keeping your partner interested in sex is making her feel sexy throughout the pregnancy. While pregnancy can be a wondrous experience, feeling fat isn’t. And no matter how many people tell her how beautiful she looks, most women simply aren’t as comfortable in their pregnant bodies as they are in their normal bodies. They worry that the combination of you seeing them as a “mother” instead of as a sexy woman and the weight gain that accompanies pregnancy will lead to your sexual attraction for them to wane.
Your first step in keeping your pregnant partner feeling like a sexy and sensual woman is to tell her how beautiful her body looks. You should know her well enough to figure out what parts of her body she becomes insecure about during her pregnancy. Don’t be shy to specifically compliment her new, curvier parts. Even if she reacts in disbelief, keep up the compliments. If she hears them enough, she’ll start to believe them and consider the possibility that she is still desirable. Be sure to compliment her all the time—not just when you are looking for action.
Keeping Her Interested
Keeping her partner’s interest in sex from circling the drain with her body image could be a challenge. You want her to feel sexy, but don’t just make the effort when you want to have sex with her. Being sensual and attentive is a good way to keep her interest high and her self-esteem intact.
One way that you can both be a part of the pregnancy experience and get your hands all over your woman is to learn a little bit about pre-natal massage. Many massage therapists specialize in pre-natal massage (which is just massage that is safe and tailored to a pregnant woman’s body). Call one of these specialists and see if you can come in with your partner and get the massage therapist to teach you some techniques. Not only will your partner be blown away by how thoughtful this is, you can incorporate sensual massage oils, candle light, and a little “happy ending” for your partner when you take it home with you. While you are massaging her, pause every few seconds to whisper a compliment in her ear, and then go back to the massage. The first few time you do this, don’t make the goal sex. You don’t want her to think it’s just a ploy to get into her elastic-waisted pants, even if that is a big motivator. Just make her feel that she is cared for and that she is desirable, and the sex will follow.
Another sensual experience you can share with your partner is baths or hot tubs (as long as she doesn’t have high blood pressure). In water is one of the one the only places that she can feel light and weightless, where she can actually forget the extra weight she is carrying around. Chill some sparkling grape juice and climb in with her. Once you are done your bath, lay her out on the bed and take charge of applying all the creams she will be slathering on to prevent stretch marks and cracked skin. Rub her down from head to toe and see if she doesn’t get in the mood.
As she gets further along in her pregnancy, the challenge will grow as the two of you will have to find new positions and rhythms that she is comfortable with. Do some research online together to see how you can use pillows and various pieces of furniture to make sure that she is comfortable and her stomach is protected. Follow her lead when it comes to rhythm: ask her to direct how fast or slow she wants you to go if you are unsure. It will be awkward, and it will likely be hilarious, so don’t take it too seriously. Sex isn’t supposed to be graceful and clean—it is messy and awkward and sometimes just plain ridiculous. Don’t put too much pressure on yourselves to have porn sex.
If your partner is having trouble getting into sex during her pregnancy, then, regrettably, you need to talk about it. In this talk, let her know that you wanting to have sex with her isn’t just about lust, but it’s about feeling close to her, and feeling like you are a part of this experience.
It’s normal to be unsure and back off your partner when they are pregnant and don’t seem to want to be sexual, but you may be misreading her signs. She might think that your effort to give her space is a signal that you think she’s fat and unsexy. Don’t fall into the trap of not communicating, because the further you get into that hole before the birth of your child, the longer it will take to dig yourself out after the baby is born. And when that baby comes, you’ll have enough to worry about!